Purposeless in Rio

It took me about a month to get me from leaving Berlin to settling in Rio. I certainly didn’t take the shortest path. On the way I stopped by Lausanne, Zurich, Sao Paulo and Vitoria. All along, I kept an eye open for signs about where to settle next, but I guess the dice were jinxed: I had Rio in mind all along. Great music, warm people and nice weather 12 months a year: it’s hard not to like Rio.

I quickly managed to find myself a pretty awesome living environment in a flatshare located in the Catete neighborhood. The terrace is where I’ve been spending most of my afternoons since moving in 2 months ago. I’ve used it as my practice room, trying to sink in the many concepts that I didn’t have time to fully grasp during my time at music school.

The three years I spent at music school didn’t offer the best quality of life. My typical week day would consist of 5 hours of class time, 5 hours of practice time sitting in front of a sheet stand in my 1 bedroom appartment, along with the usual time spent in transit and time wasted on facebook. As clearly stated in my (*cough cough*) Ten Year Plan, today, I want to live better while still keeping my focus on music. So my idea here was to keep the 5 hours of daily practice time, and invest the 19 other hours of my day in my quality of life.

Music wise, I’ve been doing pretty good so far. Whether in Berlin or here in Rio, I’ve been very consistent in my practice, skipping a maximum of maybe 5 days since settling in Berlin almost 5 months ago. I’ve been able to see improvements on a weekly basis, which is very rewarding in itself.

As for the quality of life, it’s been good as well. Berlin was good to me, and now, so is Rio. I have everything I need within walking distance: the supermarket, the fruit store, the Flamengo beach, the metro station, and the neighborhoods of Lapa and Santa Teresa, both offering lots of music and good nightlife… I was even lucky enough to stumble upon a great bunch of roommates who I now call friends. We spend quite a bit of time together, sharing as many laughters as we share cheap bottles of argentinian wine. Hey… It’s not about what you drink but who you drink it with, right?

So basically I have everything going my way here, yet somehow, I find myself feeling generally unenthusiastic. Every item on my (*cough cough*) happiness checklist is checked, yet something’s lacking. I was in this for the long run, expecting to spend at least a couple of years abroad, but here I am, 5 months into my living-as-an-expat project, looking online for flights back home. I wasn’t expecting this at all. So what do I do now?

“Passion is a nice thing, but one that needs to be triggered. And to do that, you need to have a goal.”

– my guitar teacher Nick DiTomaso

In my past travels, I used a recipe that I came to like: renting a room, seeking social events, meeting people. It generally served me well, but this time around, I might have made the mistake of using the same recipe for a different type of cookie… And as a consequence, the results are far from being optimal.

I left Montreal in July with the intention of finding somewhere new to settle down, to plant new roots, and to call home. But matter of fact is: I’m totally new at this. I’ve spent a fair amount of time abroad in the past 4 years, but in a very different context. I guess I’ll start feeling at home the day I’ll get involved in projects here, the day I’ll manage to make a living here, the day my social circle will be ingrained here. I guess I’ll feel at home the day I’ll have a purpose here… And I certainly don’t feel I’ve had one so far.

I think music can go a long way in helping one to plant roots and getting projects off the ground. And I’ve been seeking out musicians to play with around here, showing up to jam sessions every now and then, but overall with very limited success.

Also, I’ve been hanging with a nice group of friends here, yet one that doesn’t tie me to Rio in any way. Rio is a popular traveller destination, and my social life seemlessly ended up being geared around the young, white/light-skinned, wealthy, educated, well-travelled, multiligual, internship-and-then-flying-back-home type of crowd. Don’t get me wrong: it’s a very nice crowd, one where I made many friends, one where I totally belong, yet one that I feel won’t help me plant roots here.

Finally, having spent a combined total of 9 months in Brazil, my honeymoon phase here is definitely over by now. My rose colored glasses have long been gone. I’m starting to feel less tolerant about the chaotic way of doing things here. Even football, soap operas and big booties aren’t these exotic new things no more… not that I ever really enjoyed anyone of these anyways… hehe.

“As your quest goes on, remember that everything you will ever need is inside you and that the search is really a search for oneself.”

– my friend Riley, grad student at U of Life.

I very much wish I could feel at home here in Rio, but today I can’t say I do. I wasn’t expecting this expat lifestyle plan of mine to be easy, and I know I’ve been here for a short time only, yet I’m starting to doubt that I’m on the right track, here…

So yes, I’m coming to question my project of living as an expat. I like to think I don’t quit a project because I’m struggling, but that I quit one when it stops making sense to me. Music school offered its fair share of struggles, but I never considered quitting. Yet this time around, I feel things are different. I’m not losing sight of the end goal here, and that is to live better. The expat lifestyle is just a way to get there. And I won’t let my ego get in the way of calling it quit if I feel I need to.

I am not homesick and I certainly don’t miss the short winter days, but I feel Montreal is where I could get projects underway starting today, projects like trying to make a living with music, for example… My visa here expires in March, just at the time where nice weather and white tank tops start finding their way back into the streets of Montreal. This might very well be enough for me to pack up and leave then…